Fist, I must say that I enjoyed your piece. It was entertaining to me, even though it isn't really what I look for in a story. (Genre wise, I mean. I don't usually go for stories that involve a school.)

            Anyway, I must say that your use of adjectives and adverbs is amazing! You vocabulary is quite sophisticated and many who post stories on a site could learn a great deal from you. You even made me pull out a dictionary to be sure I had the full understanding of some of what you wrote. I like that! I like intelligent writers. That said, I must critique you now.

            The first thing that struck me about this was that it is one long paragraph. Please, please, for the sake of my sanity, please break it up into proper paragraph structure. It drives the human mind into a form of madness to read such beautifully worded work in on long, unending paragraph.

            Also, watch out for your comma splices. You wrote "It had a wide window opposite the door, dark blue curtains were hitched up to the sides to let in the warm sunlight, her bed was on the left of it, and Kristelle's on the right." In this case, those commas should be semicolons.

            Lastly, make sure you do justice to all the characters in your story.  You have many characters, which is not bad, but you still must take the time to describe them and make each of them seem individual. For example, in Haydn's group of friends, he is the only one who stands out because he has issues with his sister; the others might as well be one person because they don't seem any different from one another.

            All-in-all, I like the story. I think you are a great writer, despite a few minor flaws. Your word use is spectacular, which is something that many people lack.

            Please reply if you have any questions or comments.  I'd love to hear from you.

Xanderstrasz

Review: I have been following the progress of this fab story for many months now. I found myself at first asking many questions and it was quite frustrating but at the same it intensified the interest and mystery. Being a more mature reader I have found it quite hard to follow at times as I am having to fit reading it inbetween many other tasks. It is a story that needs your full attention and concentration, the use of vocabulary is excellent and would certainly appeal to a younger reader! The author has an excellent imagination and their creative writing skills take you to many different realms. Keep up the good work!